47 more days.

Sometimes I 
can't wait 
to leave....

.... sometimes my 

biggest fear 

is leaving.

i seriously hate this family i want to die

Living but not alive.

I am not a perfect person. I am not able to do everything expected of me.
I wish I could.

But I cannot.

I do not go all out in everything, but I do not purposely want to let people down.

And yet I still do.

I just want you to know that every time this same thing happens, I get hurt. Every. Single. Time.
My hearing senses heighten, I feel my heart beat going a mile a minute, and I cannot breathe.

There is an unusual ache in my heart. I am never sure what it is, but most times, it makes me want to grab a knife and slide it on my wrist. Over and over again.

It never occurred to me that I feel and understand what dozens of others experience. I always thought of it as something distant I could never comprehend. Then I realized.

This is what it is like. To live in fear, feeling so low I can never get up. It is a giant black hole. There is no end, but there is no way out either.

I lived in this happy reality. Except it became a recurring scene, waiting for the happiness to crumble into shouting. I never realized just how recurring it became till it dawned on me, I always, always started expecting it.

If it was not today, it was tomorrow. If not tomorrow, the next day. Or the next week. Month. Year.

Pretty soon it became a cycle. Bubble of happiness, huge blowout, treading carefully; repeat.
I cannot truly be content, because everything will fall apart, only to fix itself and fall apart again.

I am wasting my time. I am wasting your time. I am wasting everyone's time.
Useless, useless, useless.

There is something wrong with me wherever I look. Not enough, never enough.
I am stuck in between heaven and hell. Only, there is no way out except one.
And that is for me to go.

I will never have the bravery of taking my life.
But if, let us say, a car or train were to incidentally come in contact with me, I would not shed a tear at the loss of my being.

I am detached.
Every moment I started waiting for the hurt, added to the emotions I now do not own.
Detachment; looking at everyone around me, I feel nothing.

I do not know what to do with my life.
Whether now,
whether the future,
or whether I want a life.
And that is the problem.

i need to do something about my self-esteem issues before i end up killing myself.

Carry On.

Let's go back to blogging since it's easier to let my thoughts out.

High school life has ended and now I'm in college. I'm going to experience so many new and different circumstances, but the toughest part is realizing that all of my friends are separated in varying universities and countries.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling because it wasn't difficult adjusting to my first day of classes, and it wasn't troublesome opening my mouth to speak and make new friends. (cue the voice in my head that says "You were so socially awkward that it all couldn't fit and overflowed from the cup, making you able to actually form sentences.") But I'm not sure if I can relax myself enough to fall into some sort of comfort zone. I miss my class. A lot. We were weird and loud together. We had the funnest inside jokes no one would ever think of. We made things funny when they weren't. We even did some crazy stuff like performing on stage after only a day's practice. Twice.

I came on here wanting to write so many things, but now I'm just at a loss for words. College is fun, don't get me wrong. I think my lecturers are really funny and everything is not as stressful as it used to be. There's tons of activities and I made my schedule pretty relaxing. But how do I put this, it's like there's a missing link, a connection that's not there. I'm not sure if I can get it in just this one year. And then I'll have to repeat exactly this again when I go over the oceans to the other side of the world.

Honestly from the bottom of my heart, growing old doesn't mean I actually grow up because I don't feel it. Maybe not yet, maybe not ever. Maybe I'll spend the rest of my life being placed out of my comfort zone. I'll be spending my days trying to catch up to the change that's going on around me.

It's not as saddening as it sounds, it's just when I think deep, I think lots. Change is exciting. Kind of. At least I know I'm braver than a persona who chooses a college based on where their friend(s) is/are going. And at the end of the day, I think I'm pretty courageous. Even if it's just a tiny speck, it's a start. On a side note, I attend the 'college with no sunlight', so I can hopefully lose this tan.

Just gotta keep telling myself; it gets better.

chill out, what'ya yellin' for.

games carnival starts soon. oh nooo.
that means less time to interhouse dance. oh nooo.
Yayy, Ailee!
I'm in love with ToFebruary, omg. Everything is gorgeous.
junkie4jonas. lolol. waiting for my 3 boys to perform again. together. :')

keep holding on

I'M SO HAPPY.
AVRIL WAS SO LOVELY.
AND SO SO PRETTY.
AND HER VOICE WAS FLAWLESS.
AND THE BAND WAS INCREDIBLE.
February 18th has been the best.
I'm overjoyed and filled with amazement.
I love being a Black Star.
Had Nab, Ash and Shen with me to enjoy it. :')
Got to the front, got to use my camera, got photos and videos, got a shirt, badge and tag.
One of the greatest memories of my life. <3

i don't know what happened to all my friends.
i don't know who they've become now.
or maybe i'm the one who has changed.

The amount of love my dad has for my mom makes me cry.
I want a happy ending too.

hollywood

#
Pursue something where I won't have to depend on people who aren't there for me.